As the countdown to my half-marathon grows shorter, Mr Mess and I decided it might be wise to step up the training a little. Not only do I now run at the weekend, I also do a mid week run. After work. I know, I must be mad. This Thursday we only ran about 2.5 miles. I wanted to try and run shorter distances at a faster pace to help boost my cardio. I was quite surprised at how difficult I found it, considering I can much run further. I guess I forgot that running can be difficult no matter how far you go.
As I’m running, I often wish that I could record my internal monologue as I’m sure I come up with some of my best material while out and about. In an effort to use my pain to produce something positive, I thought I would write a blog post sharing with you the thoughts that go through my head when I’m running.
Before we start: Why am I doing this? Everybody knows I’m not built for running – I’m curvy with big boobs and little legs. This is going to be complete torture. I’m never going to make it all the way around. Why even bother putting myself through it? I should just admit defeat now and stay at home. Oh well, I can’t come up with a plausible excuse and don’t want to look like a quitter – let’s lace up those trainers and get this over and done with.
I can’t run. Like, I have literally forgotten how. I can’t even seem to put one foot in front of the other and I feel like the tin man when he’s rusted over. I keep tripping over my own feet. Am I running, or falling with style? Why did I start this? It really isn’t too far to turn back. If only I wasn’t too stubborn and proud to admit defeat.
That is a big f**king hill! Do I really have to run up that? That is ridiculous. What kind of loon would actually attempt to run up there. There’s a guy running down it – can’t we just do that? That seems like the sensible option. Oh God, we’re only half way up. Think happy thoughts, we can do this. It’s just one foot in from of the other. One two, one two…
Seriously, more hills? What did I do to deserve this? Depression is creeping over me like a slimy, black gloop. This is the part of the run where I hate the world and everything it stands for. I’m in a very dark place and I feel like I’m never going to be able to pull myself out of it. Then comes “The Beast” This is the mother of all hills – a practically vertical climb that seems to go on forever. I’m pretty sure ‘m having a heart attack. Tell my children I love them. Just leave me here to die…
Thank God, we reached the top. I can’t breathe. I need to sit down a minute. Can we hijack someone’s car and drive home? Oh, wait – we’re on the flat. Wait a second – this is actually starting to feel ok. I’m getting into my stride. I might actually be quite good at this running thing. I’m getting the hang of it. Yeah! I’m unstoppable! Go me! I’m practically a Goddess!
I can’t believe it. We’re almost home It feels like Ive been running FOREVER! I’m actually feeling pretty comfortable right now. I could probably continue on a bit longer. Could, but won’t I’m not completely insane. Oh look, just when you think the worst is over, there’s one final hill to contend with. I will not be broken! Actually, I might be broken. I’m not sure how much longer I can go on. Still, the finish line (or more accurately, the front door) is in sight. Must. Keep. Pushing. On.
Oh my god! We made it. I think I may have lost the use of my legs. I need to sit down for a moment. That was intense. And horrible. Although, now I’m back, and showered and eating a delicious meal, I’m feeling kind of fabulous. Rather elated, actually. I think I might look more toned already. I’m really a fantastic runner. I don’t know why I doubt myself.
I think I’ll just have a quick lie down while I recover.