Last Christmas never really felt like Christmas. I mean, we went through the motions. The tree went up, the presents were wrapped, the crackers were pulled but something just felt…wrong.
Last Christmas, something very important was missing and Christmas didn’t feel right without it. I was like Cindy-Lou in The Grinch. I could see all the lights and the tinsel but I just couldn’t feel it. Honestly, I was just pretty glad when it was over.
This Christmas is different. This Christmas is good. Everything feels normal and right and like it should do. We’re planning and prepping and celebrating and this Christmas, I actually understand why.
There are just the odd occasions when I feel funny. I have weird moments of melancholy and I can’t quite pinpoint the source. I have no reason to be unhappy. I have everything I want, I have a loving family and it’s my favourite time of year and we’re all together, like it’s meant to be.
It finally dawned on me that although this Christmas is far, far better than last Christmas, it doesn’t erase the memories of last year. I still remember how strange I felt, how unhappy I was, how difficult it was to keep smiling for the girls and the family. How hard it was to be full of Christmas cheer when I really, really wasn’t in the mood.
There’s also a lot of pressure this year. I want this Christmas to be perfect, the way it should be. Every tiny thing that doesn’t go to plan is a HUGE problem. It makes me feel like crap. Everything has to be PERFECT, dammit!
So, it shouldn’t really be surprising that emotions are running a little high this year. I shouldn’t be quite so baffled when I feel low, or giddy, or like I might cry for absolutely no reason and I’m not sure if it’s happy crying or sad crying. We’ve been through a lot this year and the human psyche can only take so much. Sometimes you just have to let it all out.
It is perfectly ok to look back on how bad last year was, be grateful and happy that we’re not still there and look forward to better things. It’s ok to want things to go well, but I shouldn’t get wrapped up in the trivial stuff. Who cares if we don’t make a gingerbread house or go to a carol concert as long as we all wake up together on Christmas morning?
I’m looking forward to next Christmas, when a good Christmas is just a normal Christmas and not something to be remarked upon. When the thought of last Christmas doesn’t fill me with dread. Hopefully by next Christmas I’ll have forgotten there was almost nearly a Last Christmas altogether.
All these tenses are making my head spin. I’m off to catch up on more Blogmas posts about simpler things like what Christmas telly to watch…