So, the other day I had a bit of a meltdown. Actually, a lot of a meltdown. One minute I’m on the sofa, catching up on Broadchurch, and the next I am (quite literally) screaming at the top of my lungs, before curling up in a little ball on the floor, sobbing my eyes/heart out.
It was…..intense. It was also like a weird sort of out-of-body experience where I was completely aware of what I was doing, and how odd it was, but couldn’t seem to stop myself. I get the feeling it might have been a long time coming. There’s only so long that you can bottle up gallons of inner rage, jealousy, anxiety and general pain before it’s bound to bubble up and explode. I think that a lot of people would have been very surprised to see me in that sort of condition. It’s not like the normal calm, controlled facade that I usually display to the world.
Once I’d calmed down from this incident, I started thinking about a song that I listen to a lot – “Human” – by Chrisina Perri. I’ve spoken about this song in a previous post, but it’s one that I keep coming back to as it really does seem to fit with my current mood.
You see, the way I see it, nobody really wants to know how bad you’re feeling. Oh sure, they’ll ask. “How are you doing?”, they say. Secretly hoping that you will reply “I’m fine.” And it’s not that they don’t care. Exactly the opposite. They do care. And nobody, not your parents, partners, siblings, children, friends, nobody wants to see someone they care about fall apart. I often think if my friends and family could see the extent of the pain I’m feeling, if they understood for a second how bad things really are, they wouldn’t be able to handle it. And so I hide it from them. I hide everything behind a casual smile and a glib remark and then they can relax, happy that I’m coping. That I’m being strong.
And then you get that day, when out of the blue, the cracks start to show… Because to quote Christina Perri…
“I can take so much, ’til I’ve had enough. ‘Cause I’m only human and I bleed when I fall down. I’m only human and I crash and I break down”.