Do you ever have one of those days where you feel like you are overcome with intense rage?
At the moment, it feels like every day is one of those days. It usually starts off as something small – an off-the-cuff remark from some unsuspecting person, something I read in the news or on the internet, maybe just a stray thought in my mind that sets me off.
Then I feel it, this small knot of uneasiness, right down deep in my stomach. I can feel it twisting and turning about, churning up feelings of rage and resentment. It gets bigger…and then bigger, and starts to rise up and up until it’s filling my whole torso. Before long, I feel like the weight of this mass of pure bitterness is suffocating me, stopping me from taking the very breaths I need to calm myself down.
Meanwhile, any unhappy or difficult thoughts I may be dealing with leap to the front of my mind, which only serves to exasperate the whole situation. Sometimes I can visibly feel myself shaking, and although I know to the outside world I look completely peaceful and normal, in my head I am one of those cartoon characters who has steam coming out of my ears and is desperately trying not to throw her stapler through the office window.
What worries me the most is that usually these episodes spring from nowhere, when nothing is really wrong. So when something does actually go wrong (for example, yesterday when an unexpected bill appeared, or today when an anticipated Snow Day never happened), it takes every inch of self-control I have not to completely blow a fuse. If anybody notices that I seem to be getting a bit worked up, they tell me to count to 10, or stay calm and I want to shout at them that I am staying calm as if I really let loose I’d probably have murdered somebody by now.
I also find myself constantly fighting some pretty destructive urges, where I want to throw things around the house and smash plates etc. Then I have to remind myself that if I do those things, I’ll be the one tidying up at the end of it – and I won’t have anything to use at dinnertime. So far I’ve managed to contain these urges. Just. I’ve actually started up a secret tumblr blog where I vent out my most venomous, spiteful feelings as a way to release some of the steam when I just can’t hold it in any longer.
I think the bitter truth is, I have a lot to be angry about at the moment. I really want to be able to fall apart and let somebody else pick up the pieces for a while, but it seems like I’m always destined to be the one holding everything together. Sometimes I can’t help but feel that just isn’t fair. And seeing as I can’t direct my anger where I want to, I’m directing it everywhere and anywhere else.
So if you happen to catch me in one of my moods, with eyes glowing red, looking like I’m about to do an Incredible Hulk…you might want to steer clear.
You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.