It’s been a bit of a horrible week, hasn’t it?
Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m well aware that there are some people who have had a MUCH worse week than me, but that’s the thing about tragedy – its impact can spread much further than you think.
Monday morning started with an emergency staff briefing at work and some very sad news. This was followed by an incredibly long, emotional day where those who were directly affected struggled to come to terms with things and those of us not directly affected did everything we could to offer support.
I woke on Tuesday morning, as so many people did, to read the news about the attack in Manchester. Watching the news unfold, seeing the names and faces of the people who were missing, I felt helpless, and useless, and scared. More than anything, I felt drained.
I sometimes find living in this world exhausting, you know? And for sometimes, I mean often. Occasionally it feels more often than not. I find the hate, the anger, the pressure, the conflict, the uncertainty, the fear – it all drains me. I don’t know why we keep struggling against the inevitable misery that seems to catch everyone up at some point.
I’ve tried this week to keep a brave face on it, to carry on as normal but the truth is I’m just not feeling it. I’m not in the mood to be normal right now. I couldn’t bring myself to write any of the blog posts I’ve planned, I’ve barely touched social media, I’ve done no housework – I’ve just been shuffling through like some kind of zombie. I’m here, but I’m not really engaging.
To add insult to injury, due to my lack of effort, my blog stats have plummeted to next to nothing. I know it shouldn’t be all about the numbers, but it is really disappointing when you’ve been working so hard and making so much progress and then everything takes a sudden turn for the worst.
Now, I’m feeling massively under pressure to get stuck back in and catch up, and I really can’t be bothered.
I’ve spent the last few days wrestling with myself, trying to feel motivated but just not able to drum up any real drive. Today, I’ve decided to change my tactics.
I know this post has been massively “woe is me” which may seem insensitive given the events of the past week, but I believe sometimes you have to own your feelings. Right now, I’m just not in the mood, So I’m not going to try and fake it. I’m going to accept that I’m feeling down and roll with it. After I publish this post I’m off the play The Sims and have a coffee, maybe some chocolate.
This will blow over. These moods always do. Maybe tomorrow I’ll feel like getting back into the swing of things. Maybe it will be sudden, maybe it will be gradual but it will happen. There’s no point rushing myself, trying to feel something I don’t.
Hopefully normal service will resume shortly. I’ll see you all on the other side.