You couldn’t make this s**t up

One day, I’ll write a memoir and that will be the title.  It pretty much sums up my life so far.

Take Sunday for example.  After a day out at my parent’s house I arrived home in the evening with two very sleepy babies to discover that the tap had been consistently dripping throughout the day and had flooded the whole of the kitchen.  And some of the living room.

Then Moogle kindly informed me that one of our cats had made some disgusting unknown mess on the stairs and it was making her feel sick!

Oh, and the next door neighbour absolutely couldn’t wait to retrieve their parcel that I had kindly accepted for them the day before.

Perfect – what a lovely, relaxing way to spend my Sunday night.

But that doesn’t come close to the series of unfortunate events that occurred last night.

The children and I occasionally spend the evening with my mother-in-law, so she can help with childcare etc.  Last night was one of those nights.

I pick Moogle up from school and we head home to pack some bags for Grandma’s.  With a ridiculous amount of bags for a one night stay, we head out of the back door.  At the last minute, I remember I’ve forgotten something and run back in the house.

Looking like a pack mule, I rush back out of the house and shut the door.   Moments later, I realise, to my horror that I don’t have my house keys in my hand.  And the back door locks automatically when you shut it.  (Talk about a design flaw!)

I try the door – praying for a miracle.  We are locked out.

To make matters worse, my car keys are attached to my house keys, so we can’t even begin on our journey, or sit in the warmth.

I reach for my phone, to ask my sister to bring the spare keys – the battery dies.

Luckily, I have my laptop with me, and by the grace of God, it has a small amount battery life.  I try to log onto Facebook to get a message to my family.  A message pops up – “No internet connection.”

Not to be defeated, I carry all of the bags back to the house and sit as close as humanly possible to the back door as I can.  Sure enough, the laptop picks up the wireless signal from inside the house.  I frantically send messages asking for assistance.

My mum very kindly arranges for a taxi to collect us and take us to her house, where my youngest daughter is.  Moogle is now convinced this is the best day ever as she gets to have her very first ride in a taxi.  I’m not quite so excited.  I’ve just remembered I put the security chain on the front door.  Even with my sister’s key – I still won’t be getting in the house.

The taxi driver spent the whole trip moaning about how inconvenient it was that he had to pick me up, as his home was in the opposite direction and giving me advice on better ways I could have handled the situation.  Most of which would have assumed I knew that this was going to happen.  I assured him that the next time I accidentally locked myself out of the house with no car keys or phone, I would try to plan it better!

Cue a trip to Wickes with my Dad (who is always good in a crisis!) to purchase some bolt cutters (not something I thought I’d ever need to own) It was a surprisingly hilarious expedition, with many jokes about balaclavas and criminal activities and calling Paw Patrol to help us out (No job too big, no pup too small – parents of small children will know what I’m talking about). We headed to my sisters to get the key and then it was off home to attempt to break into my own house.

To my disappointment, I didn’t even need to use my new toy.  A small amount of brute force and the chain snapped cleanly in two!  (Remind me to contact the manufacturer – if a 5’4″ weakling like me could get in, I doubt it would stand much chance against hardened criminals!)

Finally, I could get in the house to find my keys, which were sat happily on the desk waiting for me.  I also rescued the Argos catalogue, which was the only thing Moogle had been worried about when she thought she’d never get in the house again.

By the time we finally reached my mother-in-law’s house, it was past 8 o’clock, and both girls were incredibly tired.  Still, we all agreed it had been quite an adventure and Moogle would have lots to tell her teacher about the next day.

Things that I have learnt from this experience?

  • Get spare back door keys cut for all family members – just in case.
  • Always ensure I am holding back door keys BEFORE closing back door.  Or have them surgically grafted to my hand.
  • Buy a much better security chain – the one I had was clearly more for decoration than anything else.
  • My neighbours are completely useless and cannot be relied upon to assist in an emergency.  They didn’t even seem to notice somebody attempting to break into the house next door.
  • Sign up for anger management courses – I enjoyed busting the door open far too much!
  • Always, always find something to laugh about in every ridiculous situation. Last night could have been incredibly stressful, but was actually quite amusing.

Let’s hope tonight is a little bit less eventful – I’m not sure I could stand the excitement.

 

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2 comments

  1. Robert minchin says:

    Dear daughter.

    1. It wasn’t a crisis. I have just lectured your mother on what constitutes a crisis, and this didn’t. E.g. No earthquake, tsunami or Ebola outbreak in sight.

    2. You have to laugh don’t you? I’ve seen worse comedies on BBC

    3. Please refer your sister to the last bullet point. Her world is falling in around her ears at the moment and she needs to learn to laugh it off. It comes with maturity and experience. ROFL.

    • Stacey says:

      Dear Father,
      1. The Word crisis was an ironic nod to our conversation from the previous night. I shall endeavour to advise our mother on its proper usage.
      2. One day we shall write down this misadventures and create an award winning sitcom. I can smell the Bafta now.
      3. My sister will learn in time that these things are sent to try us and learning to laugh at your misfortunes makes life far easier to cope with.
      4. I refer you to the song “Schadenfreude” from Avenue Q – “We provide a vital service to society…”

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