Well, here we are.
I got a little message from WordPress today, saying that today is the one year anniversary of the day I started my blog. I didn’t really need reminding. The memory of that bleak New Year’s Eve, having a small party with my children contemplating a future so different from what I had imagined isn’t particularly easy to forget.
In my first ever post, I wrote about what I’d hoped to achieve before the year had passed. I imagined that I would be completely transformed….maybe unrecognisable to my family, friends….even myself.
I think we can pretty much agree that, for the second year running, things haven’t worked out exactly the way I thought they would!
Is my house a palace of organised perfection, everything fully labelled and in a place of it’s own? Errrr….No. In fact, as I looked around today, it seemed like the clutter problems had gotten worse, not better, especially since my husband downsized from his house and brought a lot of the girls’ stuff back to mine! And then with the addition of the new Christmas toys, the mountain of sheer…stuff that needs to be dealt with gets bigger by the day.
However, I started as I mean to go on today, by finding bags of things that were easy to let go off and taking them straight to the recycling centre. They may be baby steps, but at least they’re in the right direction and as we enter this new year, I’m working less towards perfection and more towards a manageable home that I feel comfortable in.
Have I recovered emotionally and romantically from my marriage breakdown, and found myself in a new relationship that fulfils me and makes me happy? Not exactly. The situation with my husband has gone from bad to worse to total shitstorm (excuse my language) and now we have settled in a bizarre moment of calm where the true strength of our relationship is being demonstrated. It may not be a grand romance, but it is a love and affection for each other that means that we stand by each other – even when all the circumstances say we shouldn’t.
I have no idea what the future has in store for us in 2015. I have an inkling that there will be very dark moments. But now, more than ever, I have faith that we will get through those moments together. We are a family, with two beautiful children to look after and that really is the most important thing. We are friends, who care about each other and have committed, if not to our marriage, then at least to being honest with each other and treating each other with the love and respect that we each deserve. Whatever our relationship will be from this point forward – friends, co-parents, it will be far stronger than it ever was before this journey started.
Today doesn’t really feel like New Years’ Eve. I have no large celebration planned. There are no friends to drink and laugh with. The children are in bed. It’s just me and him, quietly saying goodbye to a year that was unkind to both of us, and hoping the 2015 has a few pleasant surprises in store, to counter-balance the challenges we know we have to face.
So, I may not be writing the triumphant, gloating post that I had hoped for last year. I will not be emerging from my cocoon, a stunning new version of myself. Instead, I am very much a work in progress…. This year has been hard, but I do believe it has been worth it. It has helped me to grow, to assess and to test how far I am willing to go for the things I believe to be important.
Thank you all for sharing it with me. I’m never sure who is reading this, if anybody is. But my heart skips a beat overtime I get a notification saying I have a like or a comment and I value each and everyone of you. And I always love to hear what you have to say.
Happy New Year to you all xx